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How to tell your adult children that you’re divorcing
Telling your adult children that you are divorcing needs to be done with care. They may be adults, but you are still mom and dad to them. No matter what their ages are, your divorce is bound to be painful for them.
When it comes to breaking the news, it’s important that both parents be there. Beforehand, you and your spouse should decide what you’ll say together. Handle the discussion with the same care and sensitivity that you would with young children.
What to say
Understand that your children may be upset or even angry. They’ve always seen you and your spouse as a unit. Respect their feelings and answer their questions as best you can. Make sure they know that:
- You will always love them. Even adult children need this reassurance. They may even feel guilt over your divorce, just like a younger child, if they think you were staying together in an unhappy marriage to raise them.
- No one is to blame. This is not the time to throw your spouse under the bus. If you assign blame, your children may feel like they're stuck in the middle and have to choose sides. Be as diplomatic as possible with the understanding that your children love both of you.
Do you have a conflict resolution plan with your co-parent?
Parenting plans can be basic and streamlined, or they can be very detailed and thorough. The relationship you currently have with your co-parent will have a strong influence on the way that you structure your parenting plan. You may include many rules, or you may leave things broad to allow for interpretation as circumstances change.
Whether the two of you get along well or you struggle to communicate calmly, you will eventually have a serious disagreement about your parental responsibilities or what is best for the children. Adding a conflict resolution system to your parenting plan can help you prevent such circumstances from derailing your custody arrangement.
How do you plan for future conflict?
Given that conflict is all but inevitable when sharing parental responsibilities, it's good to have a plan in place to reolve the dispute quickly and amicably. You can use what you know about each other to preserve your relationship.
The two of you are already be familiar with each other's communication styles and priorities. You may be able to reasonably predict when a conflict might arrive or how it will unfold. You could put rules in place to help you address disagreements quickly.
Do divorced couples ever get back together?
You may have heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. Just how accurate this statistic is, no matter how often it's repeated, is a bit suspect. But the truth is still that many marriages will end in divorce.
What you may be wondering is if any of these couples ever think they made a mistake and decide to get back together after the fact. After all, this is a plot point in many movies and it's something that people often consider if they were not the ones to file for divorce.
This almost never happens
This has certainly happened in some cases, but the odds are stacked heavily against it. One study determined that it only occurred in about 6% of cases. It almost never happens, and you should certainly not count on it.
This may be important to keep in mind during the divorce process, as it can impact some of the decisions that you make. For instance, hoping that your ex will eventually want to get back together with you, you may be tempted to give them more of the family assets than they deserve or to allow them to control the child custody agreement. But these are binding agreements that you have to adhere to, even after years go by and you realize that the relationship is not coming back.
Can you keep your house after your divorce?
If your spouse has asked for a divorce or you have decided that now is the time to end your marriage, one thing you should consider is what to do with your home. It may be that you would both like to keep the marital home, or you may be the only one who is interested in maintaining the property.
Whatever the circumstances may be, it’s not enough to just say that you want the home. You will also need to be sure that you have the financial support needed to maintain your home and the ability to buy out your spouse’s share (if necessary).
Knowing your home’s value matters during divorce
The first thing to do is to get to know your home’s value. If it is worth $300,000 and you’ve paid off $50,000 of that debt, you will need to assess how to address the $250,000 still owed as well as the $50,000 in equity. You should determine the value of the home with an appraisal, so you know exactly how much you could expect if you were to sell it.
Then, you will be able to determine what an equitable share of the property is. If you and your spouse have decided to split your assets 50-50, then you’ll know that around $150,000 of that property’s value would be yours and around $150,000 would be theirs. You may need to pay them that share to take full ownership or use other assets to offset keeping the home.
3 behaviors that may be dissipation of your marital assets
In an Illinois divorce, spouses need to split their property or ask a judge to divide their assets. The equitable distribution rule that applies in litigated divorces requires that a judge split your property and debts in a fair manner based on your current circumstances. Your health, the length of your marriage and even financial misconduct can influence how the courts split your property.
In cases of provable dissipation by one spouse, the other could ask for compensation for that misconduct. What kinds of behaviors might be dissipation of your marital assets?
Spending for selfish purposes right before or after filing
A pattern of spending consistent with someone's behavior during the marriage would not likely constitute dissipation.
However, if someone starts spending far more than usual and for frivolous, selfish reasons, their four-figures spa day or name-brand shopping spree might constitute marital dissipation. Any wasteful spending that benefits an individual and not the family might constitute dissipation.
Tips for leaving an abusive marriage
An abusive marriage is a tragedy for many people. Some individuals might have a warning that things are going bad and will have time to plan for their departure. Others don’t have that time because things escalate quickly.
One thing to remember is that there isn’t any amount of physical violence that’s safe. If you’re in an unsafe marriage, be sure that you protect your life and your children. This could mean that you need to leave in a rush and head to a shelter where they can help to hide you from your abuser.
Gather documents
You need to have some basic documents when you leave. Your photo identification, Social Security card, and birth certificate are some necessary documents. You should also get what you can for the children if you have any. If there are documents that you think you might need, such as bank statements, make copies or take pictures if you’re worried that your partner will notice they’re gone.
Think about finances
Most abusive marriages come with financial abuse. You have to have a way to support yourself. If you have time, start an account to save money. You may even be able to take care of initial expenses by using your credit card. The key to finances is that you should be the only person on the account.
2 times birdnesting could be a practical custody solution
If there are two issues that married couples with children fight about the most, those issues are probably what happens to their house and how they share parenting time. Some parents take an aggressive, winner-take-all approach to this process that damages their relationship with their ex and their children.
Realistically, both parents have a right to shared custody in most cases and an interest in the home. Agreeing on a birdnesting arrangement where the children live full-time in the marital home can be a solution to both of those issues. The parents come and go instead of the children going between houses.
When is bird nesting a good idea for your family?
When you have a child with special needs
The disruption of divorce is difficult for children to handle. The changes in their living arrangements can be quite destabilizing and may lead to behavioral issues and poor academic performance.
For special needs children, it can take months to adjust to a change in schedule for housing. By allowing your child to stay in the same house and continue the same lifestyle, you will drastically reduce the stress of the divorce on them.
How can you prepare financially for your Illinois divorce?
Divorce can solve many of your personal and emotional problems, but it can also cause or increase economic hardships. The prospect of suffering financial trouble is one of the most common reasons many in Wheaton, Illinois, delay getting divorced.
We understand. If you must choose between financial stability and happiness, money issues nearly always come first. After all, even just getting by in the modern world is challenging on one income.
Can preparation improve your economic situation?
In most cases, preparing for the financial elements of divorce can help. If you can begin your preparations before filing for a divorce, your efforts will be even more effective. The eight tips below may prove useful.
- Close joint credit card accounts to prevent your spouse from incurring more debt.
- Open new savings and checking accounts to keep your funds separate.
- Change the beneficiaries in your estate planning documents, insurance policies and retirement accounts.
What happens if you discover your ex has hidden assets?
Splitting up your property is often one of the biggest practical considerations in an Illinois divorce. Equitable distribution rules govern what happens if you go to court, and many spouses use the equitable distribution rule as a starting point when negotiating a settlement outside of court. The goal is a fair division of property.
Whether you litigate or settle outside of court, the discovery process is crucial to property division. Discovery involves divorcing spouses providing information to one another about their debts and assets.
What if your spouse intentionally hid property from you, your attorney and the courts?
If you catch it before you finalize the divorce
In a best-case scenario, you would discover a hidden bank account or other hidden assets before the court actually finalized the divorce. You could then present evidence of your spouse's financial conduct to the judge overseeing your case and ask them to integrate that information into their ruling. Although spousal misconduct rarely affects property division, the courts may split property less evenly to penalize a spouse who has intentionally hidden assets.
Healing from a divorce starts at separation
People who are going through a divorce are often shocked at how many emotions they feel during the process. Many people think that they’ll feel happy and overjoyed when they get a divorce. Yet, that might not be the case, even if you wanted to end your marriage.
There are many things that you’ll likely experience during the first year after the divorce. It might surprise you when you start to feel sadness or anger about things related to the split.
Why would someone feel negative emotions during a divorce?
You might not care that the marriage is ending, but you’ll probably miss things like having someone to talk to when you come home at the end of a rough day. The loss of some friends and traditions may also cause sadness. Or you may feel angry that you let your ex get away with horrible behavior for so long before you took action.
One thing that you should remember is that you need to address these emotions as they come up, so they don’t overwhelm you. This isn’t always easy. Sometimes, you may need to get creative about what you do. For example, if you’re upset that you won’t go to your former in-law’s home for the annual Halloween party, you need to think of something else to do that night.
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